“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
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No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
Boy never ceases to amaze me
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something