Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[showing off scars]

ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember

HER: that’s your bellybutton

Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do

ME: today will be a good day

PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol

Funny women are smart. Be careful.

Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party

this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray

Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.

You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.

I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.

Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.

We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.

It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.

My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.

My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.

If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶

It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?

My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.

At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.

north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that

I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.

But, yeah, let me raise two kids.

being too stressed isn’t good for the baby.

i’m not pregnant though, its just that i’m the baby

Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself

Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.

Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-

Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?

Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*

[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*

[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*

[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …

Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11

Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.

Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillow

Him:
Pillow

It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.

I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.

Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.

If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards