“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
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How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”