“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
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My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
My safe word is Worcestershire
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.