“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
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Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
is this a threat
can you read it!!??
maan!
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
pov you are seriously underestimating how big whales are
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
Just seen my doctor about the fake pain in my leg. He’s diagnosed me with pretendonitis.
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.