weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
You Might Also Like
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
waiter: did you enjoy your meal
me: honestly not really
waiter: yeah your meal sucked. why would you order that. back in the kitchen we were all like why the hell did he order this. it was hilarious. jesus christ man. gotta be one of the worst orders ever
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
Wait a minute
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
Don’t you hate it when you’re SO tired because it’s been SUCH a long week and then you look at the calendar and see that it is, in fact, only Monday?
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you