Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.

It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.

Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.

It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane

There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.

I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said

How to really enjoy the rain:

1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits

I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.

Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.

9 circles of hell in this economy?

Tears for Fears: Everybody wants to rule the world.

Me: Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.

ME: There’s something disgusting in my food

WAITER: Our plates are reflective

It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go

Noah was an idiot.

Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?

me: okay, thank you!

boss: thank you more!

me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.

boss: what

me: what

*aggressively waits in line*

[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok

[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR

I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next

I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.

I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me

Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.

How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?

Is it four? Please say it’s four.

My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.

A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.

I’m looking for a documentary on small rivers. Does anyone know a good streaming service?

If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.

– birds

therapist: what do you see

me: Snoopy

therapist: this one?

me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football

therapist: I see. and now?

me: Lucy moved the ball

therapist: wtf this is the wrong book

The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.

“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”

a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years