Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.

When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.

[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]

What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog

“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”

My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.

Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.

Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.

‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’

Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’

‘Who?’

Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’

My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.

I said it must be my weekend immune system.

I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.

in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape

Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name

*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?

Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.

Apparently there is a bird fight club who holds their meetings outside my window at about 5am

If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek

you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.

Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.

U talkin 2 me?

my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”

Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep

It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.

colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000

If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.

I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.

Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.

So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕

I slept in until 9:30 this morning. But don’t be too jealous because I did it wrong and now I can’t look to the left.

Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice

gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss

me: *whispering to guy* she is