*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
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Wait i haven’t finished my old year yet can I get a to-go box
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
There’s a window in my living room that wasn’t there yesterday. No matter what time it is, when I look out, all I see is a vast and eternal night. Something gaunt and yellow-eyed comes by and peers in, occasionally tries to open the window. I’m gonna get it with the spray bottle.
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn