Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why there is always a kid crying when I go to the store? Dude. You aren’t the one paying for groceries. Stop.

INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat

ME: omg was I supposed to bring one

Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”

If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.

I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you

So, this is how my day is going. How about you?

painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?

me: absolutely not

I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.

[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney

[first date]

ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato

HER: It’s really hot in here

ME: [starts baking] oh no

I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant

When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”

Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.

Darling

Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you

I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.

Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.

Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.

Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people

Twitter has ruined me.

Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.

Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock

When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.

every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again

Her: so, are you seeing anyone?

Me: nope, it’s just the voices.

Google Pay be like:

he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed

imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down

My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.

School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*ruler

School supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggies

Apparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.

How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?