weird email i got today
You Might Also Like
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
So I used to wonder about people that paid a fortune for those little bottles of Evian water until I read it backwards…
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
I remember being a kid and telling my mom I thought it was weird that her and Santa had the same handwriting. But now as an adult I just think it’s weird that she still gets him to write the gift tags
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!