weird email i got today
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She might be a genius
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
its weird that when seltzer goes flat it doesn’t turn into regular water. you can still taste that something was Done To It
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
There should be a product swap booth on the way into Costco, you can bring the massive package of snacks that your kid used to like and exchange it for the huge box of snacks that some other kid has rejected
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.