weird email i got today
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*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
Life with a cat in one tweet
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
When I bought a new carpet my dog become a shark
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.