Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”

how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell

Me *about to get hit by a bus*

OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER

But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.

Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…

[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*

got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)

How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong

Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.

Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING

Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal

It’s been really good to have my son home for the weekend. I’d almost forgotten how sarcastic he is.

peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*

Her: Does that dog actually play chess?

Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.

*Dog Barks

Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.

Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.

Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice

I’d rather go liquor treating.

[Picking up a prescription]

Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical

Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.

Wrapping paper: *rips*

ios update: we’ve changed the keyboard size just slightly again. good luck!

me: god danb ut

Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?

“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside

My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.

I get distracted pretty eas

Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?

Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.

“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.

my 9yo: does your friend Scott know that he could just spell his name with one t and it would sound exactly the same?

When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?

You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike

Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does