Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.

Me: we can’t climb on this

My Kid: the older kids are climbing too

Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to

My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read

Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*

FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares

me: [picking my nose]

surgeon: great choice

Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?

-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper

I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous

[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.

[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.

New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn

Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…

Wrong answers only !

{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk

[carnival]

ME: How do I win?

CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table

ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*

CARNIE: Oh shi-

What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?

Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.

(therapist voice)

Please, lie down on the shrouch.

Friend: Well, the more you know-

Me: The sadder you’ll feel

Friend:

Me: Is that not the phrase?

Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong

Me: *crying* Well the more you know

Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.

What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?

Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.

No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.

HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction

ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told

CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.

Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.

In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.

When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”

*married driving*

Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’

Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’

Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.

Worst police interrogation ever.

My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.

When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.

Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:

I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.