Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(Husband asks to see my phone)

Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.

[during sex]

her: hurt me

me: there’s only one season of firefly

Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.

typical orange cat and void cat behavior

I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.

My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles

a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl

[ouija board]

How are you feeling?

*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-Y

What the!? A cheesy board!?

G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S

her: wanna go upstairs

me: ok

her: do u have protection

me: [nervously] why what’s up there

For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.

To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.

[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds

the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all

I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.

Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.

So, I got banned from the toy store today…

*hands you baby*

Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.

Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.

[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”

Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon

hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it

I wish I could say it was the first time I’ve hidden in a dumpster.

I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”

I duck my head when I drive into parking garages if you want to know what kind of superior intellect I have passed to my kids

North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.

The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…

Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?

Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation

August 8

Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.

If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!

Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.