Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I promise it will be different this time

THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*

I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips

my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine

How do you fix a broken condom?

Rubber cement.

You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.

Took three Ambiens and tried to call God on the microwave

DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish

SNAIL WIFE: Oh no

HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT

I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.

Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas

[aliens invading our home]

Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED

It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.

Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.

My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.

Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.

[on an interview]

Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*

Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*

Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit

Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??

COP: Have you been drinking?

ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so

A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally

Twitter is a great place to befriend people who you’d never let in your house.

I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.

When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.

I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.

trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.

I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.

Instagram: look how pretty everything is

Facebook: look how easy everything is

Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest

Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is

China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.

I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.

His mom got really mad.

email: CC

my brain: corn cob

If a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. They love that.