Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
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The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
I told my kid if he plays my drums again there will be repercussions
And send
I had to Stop for this
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
I think we should let the Just Stop Oil girl out of prison to attend her brother’s wedding, but then stage a protest and block the roads.
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
If you’re wondering what a mom brain is I just looked for the milk in the microwave.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
Namaste
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.