Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?

The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.

i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.

[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing

*guard enters*

FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*

Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.

[first day in a hair band]

Singer: you’re bald

Me: yes, I lied on my resume

One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?

PANCAKE

ok I need you to step out of the car

6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat

Me: I…I’m not sure what to do

*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives

Have a lovely day 😊

[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline

me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this

[outside]

getaway driver: did he just get in line

Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.

I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning

A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.

[In Bar]

Friend: Your fly is down

Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce

*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*

It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.

RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed

overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today

Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”

My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.

Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.

they say if you lose one of your senses the others become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day just by looking at them

me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here

Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?

This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.

Yesterday I wore something from 10 years ago that actually fit…It was a scarf but still

Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food

Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?

Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs

Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party

Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??

[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]

Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.

6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?

Me: