Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.

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How much of this “no more tears” shampoo do I have to feed this baby to get it to stop crying?


There’s no toilet paper in this stall so I guess I live here now.


Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.


You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back


Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.


If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.


[during sex]
elon: say the thing
grimes: ugh
elon: please?
grimes: *sigh* omg babe your submarine is waaaay too big for this tiny cave


My mom keeps asking questions like ‘When you gonna be famous?’ I tell her, ‘As soon as they find the bodies.’