Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
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“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well