@AsgardianRose

Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.

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@mrtruthandsoul

How much of this “no more tears” shampoo do I have to feed this baby to get it to stop crying?

@motrboatr

There’s no toilet paper in this stall so I guess I live here now.

@GingerHotDish

Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.

@ChaseMit

You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back

@AKcrazy18

Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.

@AsgardianRose

If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.

@themiltron

[during sex]
elon: say the thing
grimes: ugh
elon: please?
grimes: *sigh* omg babe your submarine is waaaay too big for this tiny cave

@Storminika

My mom keeps asking questions like ‘When you gonna be famous?’ I tell her, ‘As soon as they find the bodies.’