@AsgardianRose
@roxiqt
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
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@roxiqt
@UncleBob56
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
@Darlainky
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
@TheDailySchmuck
Top Five Creepy Things:
5) Dark and stormy nights
4) Spiders
3) Cars with eyelashes
2) Decaf drinkers
1) People who take one bite of cake
@NewDadNotes
My daughter snuck some snacks into her bed last night and got me in trouble when Mama found them. Now I have to search her every night for bed snacks like some kind of Toddler TSA Agent.
@KeetPotato
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
@onedavedeep
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
@kathybotteas
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
@BeardRidingMinx
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
@GrantTanaka
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire