@AsgardianRose

Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.

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@roxiqt

Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.

@UncleBob56

Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?

@Darlainky

I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.

@TheDailySchmuck

Top Five Creepy Things:

5) Dark and stormy nights
4) Spiders
3) Cars with eyelashes
2) Decaf drinkers
1) People who take one bite of cake

@NewDadNotes

My daughter snuck some snacks into her bed last night and got me in trouble when Mama found them. Now I have to search her every night for bed snacks like some kind of Toddler TSA Agent.

@KeetPotato

interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway

@onedavedeep

Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”

@kathybotteas

If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.

@BeardRidingMinx

I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.

@GrantTanaka

ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire