Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
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I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
“Dave, don’t, he ain’t worth it bro”
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
Getting married soon just need a spouse
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*