Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way

DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-

ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers

Tier 3 meme

[Bath & Body Works]

Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen

Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.

so logan paul and jake paul are different people?

STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day

We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.

Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.

Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.

I am yelling

I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.

Family: So how did you two meet?

Me: Tinder.

Family: What’s Tinder?

Me: It’s a game site.

Dating Profile

Sex: Probably

Favorite Food: Yes

Favorite Movie: Star Wars

Favorite Book: LOLZ

It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight

God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?

Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?

God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…

Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.

Hot Girl: Hey, u single?

Me: I am.

HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?

The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.

“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”

I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.

Me: pick and choose your battle.

My son: I choose every battle.

“I’ve invented the toaster”

SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?

“2”

SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8

Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.

Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.

‘To do’ list:

1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry

The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.

Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!

there are two kinds of people:

those who only want you for Christmas
and those who expect a fruit tree, a shit ton of birds, dancing servants, expensive jewelry, and a musical band

and they marry each other

Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks

Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean

By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.

I hope it was worth it.