Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
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Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
DHL: Hi! We popped by!
Me: No you didn’t
DHL: But there wasn’t anyone in!
Me: Yes there was
DHL: Would you like us to divert your parcel to a local service point?
Me: *Sigh* fine
DHL: Well we can’t!
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
I heard you like bad girls. I’m bad at everything
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
New comic up. “Ransom”
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
My brain is a bad influence on me