Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
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*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
May have had one breakfast too many
not gonna lie it was a little disturbing to learn that a large amount of the post-apocalyptic jargon in Mad Max / Furiosa is actually just regular Australian slang
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
I got tricked into going for a 10 mile hike for a waterfall that ended up being 2 feet tall. Don’t talk to me.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
Brunch server: “We need you to leave now.”
My wife: “Um, excuse me…hiccup…you said these mimosa were bottomless.”
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.