Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
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Roses are pink
Violets are red
Get on your knees
And do what I said
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
Our youngest son graduated with a bachelor’s degree in English. We bought him a car because we’re proud of him. And because he’ll probably have to live in it.
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
Weirdos gonna weird.
So sick of all these stupid rules
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
