Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
You Might Also Like
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
Imma just leave this here…………
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.