Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
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COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
I have this condition that means I have to vacuum my house daily.
Friend: Oh, OCD?
Me: Children.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
My new favorite headline
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
mr. rogers: can you get me a pack of camels
amelia bedelia: *comes back with a caravan*
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…