Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen

LOL

[buried under a pile of geese]

Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.

Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.

I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.

All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.

Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.

Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.

Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.

Person in murder documentary: This is a small town. Things like this don’t happen here.

Me: Um, based on the shows I watch, that’s ALL that happens in small towns.

“We’re promoting you to Anchor”

Reporters: 🙂

Sailors: 🙁

I took two years of anger management courses

Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores

Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad

Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues

best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets

A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”

Kids: you burned the popcorn

Me: you gave me stretch marks

Being a mom is easy

I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?

I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.

Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.

I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.

I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.

Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.

Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.

If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales

Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.

the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me

How software testing works

April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox

ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess

ME: i sell human organs on the black market

JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more

I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.

[getting murdered]

Hang on, let me clear my browsing history