Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.

A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.

But it was returned…
no strings attached.

Wait…what ?

My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.

I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.

having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler

A GPS. But for where your story is going.

People are always saying “not today, Satan” but what if we just hear him out

Me: well that didn’t age well

My Mirror:

If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.

If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.

Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?

She was making her kids marsoupial.

I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.

I thought you said “Face punch me”.

bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size

When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying

Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.

2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”

Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat

Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?

Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.

Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop

ME: I can’t find my glasses

SON: They’re on your head

ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again

Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.

You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.

A truck with truck nuts, but all the way around, like a sombrero.

[getting a ride home]

Me: ok keep going straight here

Train engineer: stop saying that

In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”

I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…

…or a giant gorilla.

~Super Mario’s mom probably

Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.

I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.