Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
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GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?