Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex

Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”

I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.

I tried to walk like an Egyptian and now I need to see a Cairo practor.

“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”

-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot

Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.

Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss

There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.

If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.

[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted

friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?

me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up

There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much

[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*

I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.

had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow

Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.

If you know, you know

Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER

big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property

My dog barks for 2 reasons:

1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.

* gets mugged *

“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”

I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:

At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them

When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.

Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!

My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.

KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u

[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]

ME: holy shit u saved me

OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die

Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”

Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.

Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.

We are not the same.

The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.