Weird how parrots and I tend to share the same opinions
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Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
just leave it at the foot of the bed
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
My 3yo just told me, wrathfully, “Well, if you won’t play with me then I’m gonna take a NAP on the COUCH!”
Ooooh. That’ll show me.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
The Struggle
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious