Weird how parrots and I tend to share the same opinions
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how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
My two-year olds have reached the age where they can remember when I’ve told them that we’ll do something “later” and I don’t want to overstate it but I’m pretty sure this is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.
Today is the perfect day to hide Easter eggs. They’ll never expect it.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
waiter: are there any allergies at the table?
me (already drunk): BEES
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time