Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
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I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
*stranded on a dessert island*
Day 1: This is paradise!
Day 2: I have eaten far too much chocolate cake.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
“Knock knock”
“Whose there?”
“The spelling police”
“Oh know!”
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.