Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
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Start the year as you intend to continue.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
Me: I’ll never do that again
Me 5 minutes later: Agains
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
Persuading my cat to go outside in the cold is a bit like when I had to encourage my daughter to go down the slide when she was 5.
Go on.
You can do it.
Brave girl.
GO ON.
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
Hey Fugeddaboutit
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.