Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
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14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
subtitles are so good nowadays
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
Autocorrect is my menesis
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
The ’90s were a time of blissful ignorance where we expected rock stars to sleep with groupies.
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
