Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
You Might Also Like
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
All soups are gazpacho if you’re lazy enough
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
12653.
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
john wicks are toilet candles
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.