Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
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I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
me: i’ve committed adultery. i’ve been doing a lot of adulting.
therapist: no.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.