Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.

In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.

put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream

me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects

my bed: [chuckles darkly]

Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?

Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally

[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?

I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*

[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.

CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.

ME: No thanks.

CASHIER: It comes with free refills.

ME: I do like free refills…

Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.

Don’t compare yourself with others. Everyone is better than you.

Neighbor: can you watch my dog?

Me: like through your window?

N: no, I meant like-

Me: cause I don’t do that now

N: watc-

Me: okay once

Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing

I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.

If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in

[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*

Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…

😂

If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.

baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou

[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”

“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night

I camp so other people don’t have to.

[at the auto parts store]

Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler

Counter Guy: What size engine

Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.

what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie

She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.

I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.

[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]

There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.

Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.