Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
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me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
I’m putting together a team
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
speaking in tongues is a great way to quickly end a bad first date
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
Aries: The pain in your back is your skeleton trying to get away from the most annoying person in the world.
Every work meeting this week
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.