Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
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history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
Telling the server about the dead bug in your salad seems like a good idea until you see the protein up-charge on your bill.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
The secret to fishing is on the first day you find the biggest fish you can and punch it in the face
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
On Tuesday, my husband and I celebrate 19 years of marriage, and I need gift ideas. What do I buy for a man who already has an incredible wife?
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good