Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
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I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
wearing a condom while she on birth control call that two factor authentication
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
There are three stages in a woman’s life.
1. Pampers
2. Always
3. Depends
I never know how much to tip a cow.
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
