Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[doctor looking at my xrays]

doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of

me: what

doctor: skeletons

Girlfriend: “I regret getting you that blender for your birthday”

Me drinking a pop tart: “why??”

Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.

Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.

Now picture them holding a pizza box.

I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.

ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.

I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.

Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.

Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?

The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”

[confessional]

me: father, gooey naan.

father: what’s gooey naan?

me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?

If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta

I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.

If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.

God: you’re my son

Jesus: do I have super powers 😀

God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread

Jesus: :/

God: …fish

Jesus: so who’s my enemy

God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm

Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁

God: oh he’s super duper cool

VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions

[David Attenborough voice]

and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.

me: I don’t like other people’s kids

them: how old are yours?

me: I don’t have any

Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?

[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates

I forgot how to panic. Help

[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three

My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”

I know he means well.

ew if literal: let me be clear

Me: can I get a Coke please

Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here

Me: how about a lemonade then

Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here

[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]

DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”

ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”

Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.

Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”

Her:

Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”

Medic: “Step aside sir”