Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.

Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?

Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.

“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing

I’m at BJs if anyone needs 500 tampons, a vat of mayonnaise, or a gazebo hmu.

You better wish for more oil

Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway

I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.

All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.

Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.

Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!

Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.

Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.

Me: What the hell do you want?

Him: Um, YOU called ME.

A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”

Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.

I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home

Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan

You can arrest protesters. You can take away their first amendment rights. You can even expel them. But you still can’t make a college commencement ceremony fun.

Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.

therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?

me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters

therapist: get out

I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.

[World War One]

Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”

If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.

This weekend, I’m taking an Uber to visit my parents, and then tipping extra so the driver does the visiting for me while I wait in the car. With the savings on my therapy bill, it should all balance out.

Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk

Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.

A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”

I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder

Flirting is hard

Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.

[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids

ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day