Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.

Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.

Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.

Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?

He really should be.

We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.

Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.

But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.

If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.

if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night

I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.

If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.

*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster

Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.

When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.

I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.

Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.

Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???

Baby is born.

Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.

3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.

Me: Theeeere it is.

i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict

While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.

I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.

I heard there was a secret cord
You plug it in and you meet the Lord

Bagged lunch circa 1984

-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”

Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired

With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.

Me: And for my third wish…

Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?

told my gf that i’m “really into getting itchy lately” and that i am “low key in my itchy era” but it turns out i was having an allergic reaction

Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”

Telling everyone I’m premed…

(short for premeditating their murder)

Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.