Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
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The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
Never tell your electrical engineer parent you want to be a transformer for Halloween.
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
Don’t worry, you’ll find the lost scissors when you’ll be searching for your glasses
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
If I had a party I wouldn’t tell you when to leave but there will be signs.
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.