Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.

Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.

[after sex]
her: you were really loud

me: *putting down my trombone* yep

6: are snakes just neck?

[First Date]

Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.

Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.

I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.

“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.

My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.

Wanna see awkward?

Hand me a baby.

Cop: Are you high?

Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so

her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies

they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup

How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*

Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room

Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull

6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!

Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.

6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)

My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.

Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?

If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”

If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.

But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???

[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?

In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.

Me: ‘Goodnight.’

Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’

ME: [holding door for wife]

WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?

dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?

My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.

I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.

Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.

Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.

HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?

ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.

HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!