Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”

My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.

*falls off log and dies

Doug is just Canadian for dog

Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop

Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”

Me: “Nachos.”

“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”

“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”

Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill

What, I’m Asian?

*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*

*buys a bonsai tree*

“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*

interviewer: why do you want this job?

me: i’m a job guy. love jobs

My newest way to win marital arguments is to interrupt and say “as your legal counsel” and then state my point. It hasn’t worked yet and seems to make him madder but I think with the right amount of persistence I’ll crack the code.

Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?

Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.

Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay

Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented

if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more

Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.

Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.

You’ll make me nervous.

Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk

me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*

my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*

Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am

Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are

Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson

Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.

Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?

Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.

I was really excited to see the Wicked movie until it got shoved down my throat in product placements. Now I just want to drop a house on the marketing director. And steal their shoes

girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.

Gods work.

barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue

Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-

Why my cw hates me

I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.

space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.

I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.

I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.