Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
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I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone