Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
You Might Also Like
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
thinking about the time i ran into my brother serendipitously on the streets of manhattan and he said hi and kept walking like we were in a hallway in our house
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.