Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ways to look busy:

1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed

Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.

Four Worst Feelings Ever:

4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic

Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.

Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.

-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.

love dating someone really offline because I can blatantly pass off various other people’s tweets as my own jokes

[buying groceries]

me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?

Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not

[1 year later]

Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong

I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.

Now I have a swimming pool.

when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.

My mom used to beat me with a camera.

I still get flashbacks.

Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out

When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.

Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.

Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade

Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.

She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”

Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it

Me: *opening can of worms

Husband: Where the hell did that come from?

Me: I can’t resist a sale.

My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”

Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.

Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.

if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away

I’m as full as a tick on a tampon

gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t

A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.

Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.

P L E E Z

T O D A Y

N E E D U

S U I N G ✅

I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.

*walks into starbucks*

Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!

*has choice of any table*

My job’s cybersecurity training said to “never assume a connection is real” and I was like I’m WAY ahead of you, pal

cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.

I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.