Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.

Welcome to Twitter.

Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.

aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors

Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.

My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.

In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.

My cousin Clevis got thrown out of the Thanksgiving party. He kept insisting that some of us were really aliens in disguise.

“You can’t both be my half brother! Can’t they simplify fractions on your planet? Two half brothers is one regular brother! One of y’all is a liar!”

how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔

The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy

When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.

Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.

her: kids grow up so fast these days

me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers

her: exactly!

me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them

Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul

Today’s affirmation:

I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.

EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*

BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*

[heaven]

Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.

Batman’s parents: Same.

If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further

Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.

[Me as 911 Operator]

*phone rings*

I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”

The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.

A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.

I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now

I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.

Timber, dipshit.

Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?

Me: <makes bigg sale>

Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend

If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.

Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct

Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.