weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
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1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
What my back needs
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
My grandma (99, dementia) was at a trivia night in her memory care unit and they asked “Who shot JFK?” and she said “I did.”
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
My wife bought a bag of mozzarella sticks from Costco in case 1,100 kids stop by the house.
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.