Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
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Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
Don’t tell me about your problems. I have to explain to my son why all of his baby teeth are in my nightstand.
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature?
Tequila mockingbird.
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
Not all heroes wear capes…
That’s classic.
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.