Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period

My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.

I wish gyms had a “montage” option

Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:

Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeans

Disadvantages
None that I can think of

Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?

[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]

Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…

My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere

Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise

Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people

My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.

My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.

[Bending down with my hands on my knees]

“Where is your mother?”

~ me to anyone under the age of 30

date: you look nice

me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate

Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter

My dog has chewed my resume. This explains the gap, right there

Sorry I called your baby ugly

I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”

Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?

Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives

Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life

Welcome to your late 40s from now on you will no longer be in “good health” but in “good health for your age”

that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE

[date gets back from the bathroom]

those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?

“kids?”

We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”

If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?

Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.

My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.

[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you

I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……

Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.

My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.

Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”

Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot