Weirdly Wednesday.
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[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
the red hot silly peppers
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.