Weirdly Wednesday.
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Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
Please do it!
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
Not today.. 😂
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*