Weirdos gonna weird.
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I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
[hearing a colleague using their mouse’s scroll wheel] well check out Johnny Longdocument over here
Me: Excuse me. I have a million presents to wrap and I need to buy some tape.
Store clerk: Scotch?
Me: Even better.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
My dogs are always 100% by my side, unless my kids are eating food in their rooms, which they are not to do. So, whenever I am sans dogs, I yell, “Get the food outta your room!”
Just heard my 10 y/o say to his Fortnite buds, “Omg you guys, I think my mom’s a witch!”
Success😎
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.