Weirdos gonna weird.
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Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
I bet whenever a pilot drives a car there’s a brief moment of panic like “why isn’t it going up??”
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
So, slam poetry is not a wrestling move, the more you know
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
I didn’t know they can drive…
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?