Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die

Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again

The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.

DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/

If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.

Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.

him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it

me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?

It’s not so much that I have no idea what the kids are saying these days, it’s that when I look up the slang I still have no idea what it means

(at the doctor)

Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.

Was bored so Applied for a dentist job at some clinic. I have an interview this week😭
I HAVE NEVER BEEN TO MED SCHOOL😭

I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.

-Me, working from home. Alone.

Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.

Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower

I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.

Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.

Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude

drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”

I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.

If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.

Wicked Witch: “I’ll get you and your little dog too!”

Toto: “Da f**k I do?”

Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.

“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”

“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”

I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.

Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.

Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.

Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.

Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.

Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.

If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.

Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.

The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.

I have obtained a hat

Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.