Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?

[At 1st drive-thru window]

Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.

Me: Thanks

5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?

I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.

Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is

CDC: please don’t

At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick

[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]

reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.

superman: yes, yes I did.

reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?

superman:

reporter:

My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor

me: do you serve crabs here?

waiter: yes, we do

my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally

I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.

I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.

This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.

You can just call me Opposite Barbie.

The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.

God: you’re a penguin.

Penguin: actually I’m a spy.

God: uh no you aren’t.

Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?

God: that’s just what you look like.

Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.

God:

Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.

MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*

ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*

MAGICIAN: holy shit

I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.

Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.

Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with

it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too

Me: *all four burners going, two pots boiling over, oven beeping, being burned by grease splatter*

8yo: Mom!! You’re not even watching my cartwheel!

Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.

What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”

If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.

Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.

Mornin

I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.

According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.

Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.

marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u

Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.

[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]

My cat: lol no