#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
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i once fainted from a paper cut so if jigsaw puts me in a trap that’s a wrap. rip.
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
Omg 🤣
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
How dare this person in traffic delay me by mere seconds on my way to a location that doesn’t require my immediate presence
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
I was just discussing this with my cat
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
remember: when a band skips your city on tour it is always personal and they always hate you specifically
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
To think, these Olympic divers were once annoying kids making their parents “watch this” as they did the same exact lame dive 37 times in a row
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
Although Paul Simon doesn’t specifically list it in the song, one of the 50 ways to leave your lover is murder.