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figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
Canada’s plan to take over the US is coming along nicely.
They sent down cold & snow to places that almost never get it.
Well played Canada, well played.
Me: Absolutely broke.
Advertisers: She’s ready. Target her with the nicest shoes ever.