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I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
Always tell people different stories about yourself so when they talk about you they’ll argue
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
Was just walking along when I got news that caused me to clasp my hands over my face in gentle despair, at which point a passing teen with impeccable timing shouted ‘Peekaboo!’ at me.