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Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
Whoever’s been in charge of the weather for the last few weeks seems to have fallen asleep on the couch with the remote control underneath them.
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
Mr. Potato Head is not doing well. Tuberculosis.
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
Sometimes American Magic is the only way to go.
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.