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Why would I go to my high school reunion? I didn’t want to be there the first time.
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
This is my bus stop.
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
if i ever have to work at McDonald’s, i want to be the person who sits on the hamburgers.
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
#NeverForget
