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my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
Flowers bee like
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
Stop
