Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
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I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
ME: And a third pair of skinny corduroys.
GENIE: Lol, you’re not very good at this are you?
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all