Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
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Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
Thankfully, these political ads will be over soon, then we can move on to the civil war stage
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.